i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
