That's intense
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
