you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
