I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
