Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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