tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
