I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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