my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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