I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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