Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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