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i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
