i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
