I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
