I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
