I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
