dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
