Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
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