So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
