I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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