The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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