can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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