I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
