This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
