Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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