he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
