I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
