I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Randomize