I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
