Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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