I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
