I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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