nut hugger
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
