then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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