If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
