Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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