I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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