i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
