I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
