I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
