woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
