why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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