I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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