Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Randomize
