Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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