1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
