remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
