Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
