Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
