You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.