I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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