Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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