i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just blew my weed a kiss
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
