After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
it's like heaven, but drunker
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
