i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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