i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
