yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
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The beers last night were like the tears from god
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
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Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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